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Julia Soaemias Bassiana (180- 222.)

So this is how it breaks down…

Julia here was born a Syrian noblewoman with substantial connections and wealth. Her husband was Sextus Varius Marcellus and they lived in Rome. They had a boy- Sextus Varius Avitus Bassianus, who later became Roman Emporer Elagabalus. Let’s call the son Poopy for short.

When Julia’s husband died in 215, her maternal cousin Caracalla took over, but he too was killed and a poser/usurper/liar took the throne (Macrinus.) So… Julia and her mother schemed a way to replace the liar with Poopy. They even went so far as to say that Poopy was the son of Caracalla (her cousin) in an effort to gain favor for her son.

This plot ended up working and 13 year old Poopy took the throne. THIS is where it gets interesting. They were all eventually booted out of Rome, Poopy killed and Julia was declared a public enemy and her name was erased from all records. BECAUSE… Poopy was really nuts. As a teenage Emporer he did weird things with statues, forced members of government to participate in strange religious ceremonies, he was married five times (although he preferred the company of men), prostituted himself in the imperial palace and my favorite… he employed a prototype of a whoopee cushion at dinner parties. HA!!!!! This was all within his five-year reign.

Poor Julia should’ve kept a tighter leash on that kid, or maybe put photos of his exploits on Facebook as punishment. “I’ll take away your phone AND your ipad young man!”